The following observations and accompanying questions have proven helpful in identifying sexual co-addiction:
- Symptoms of sexual issues in your primary relationship may be: sleeping too much, losing sleep, eating poorly, overeating, or increasing use of chemicals.
- Do you focus more on your partner’s sexual attitudes, beliefs or needs than on your own?
- Are you aware of trying to control your partner’s sexual actions or “thoughts” Are you aware of how this may be affecting you?
- Does sex play an all-consuming role in your relationship?
- Do you give in to the sexual demands of your partner even if they “turn you off”
- Do you use sex to try to repair the relationship when it is strained (e.g., by health issues, money matters or business setbacks, etc.)?
- Do you feel empty after having sex?
- Do you seldom or never experience contented intimacy, trust or commitment with your partner?
- Do you think everything would be “OK” if only you could provide “perfect” sex?
- Do you compare your body and feel inadequate to those of persons in magazines, films, advertising and other media?
- Do you neglect your own wants or those of your family to comply with the sexual desires of your partner?
- Do you withdraw emotionally or have your mind on other things while having sex?
- Do you engage in sexual activities with your partner that you are uncomfortable with or ashamed of?
- Do you entertain the thought, “I’m not enough of a man or woman for my partner”?
- Do you find sex uncomfortable versus being pleasurable?
- Do you get accused of or feel that you are “old-fashioned” or “not with the times” sexually?
- Have you read a number of sex “how to” books for yourself or at the request of your partner so you could perform better sexually?
- Do you believe that you have to put up with certain behaviors that are repulsive to you in order to keep you partner?
- Do you have a constant fear that your partner will leave?
- Do you find it difficult or impossible to express to your partner your sexual needs and desires?
- Do you feel that your partner does not sincerely try to meet you needs?
- Do you lie about your sexual feelings or actions in order to please your partner (e.g., “faking orgasms”)?
- Are you embarrassed to speak of you sexual behaviors with another person or a professional counselor?
If you suspect or know that your partner is a porn/sex addict and you answered “yes” to many of the above questions, you may be suffering from the disease known as co-addiction. Just as the sex addict lives in denial and finds it excruciatingly difficult to admit he has a “problem,” so it is most often with the co-addict.
COSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts) is a recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior. The COSA recovery program has been adapted from the 12-Step and 12-Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. (www.cosa-recovery.org)
The National Coalition for the Protection of Children & Families (NCPCF) offers insights, guidelines and hope for those whose spouses use pornography in their brochure “It’s Not Your Fault the One You Love Uses Porn.” (www.nationalcoalition.org)